WHO KNEW CHRISTMAS NEEDED A JEW:
By: Selyna Warren, Marissa Read, and Jason Currie

BERNIE

Wait. What’s happening? 

SANTA

Christmas feels different. 

Something feels new. 

The snow’s whiter, it’s so much brighter,

and it’s all because of you know who…

BERNIE

Wait… are you talking about me?

SANTA

I’ve roasted all the chestnuts,

killed all the Christmas geese!

But it’s been so monotonous delivering world peace. 

Suddenly through your eyes a brand new view.

Who knew Christmas needed a jew?

BERNIE

 - ISH. We prefer jewish, but I think I get what’s going on here. Your next miracle is to be all Barbara and sing - 

SANTA

I’ve whistled all the carols that could ever have been sung.

The chimneys I’ve been sliding down have given me black lung.

BERNIE

Wait, what? I’ve been sliding down chimneys ALL FRIGGEN NIGHT!

SANTA

Look! I know longer have the soot flu.

Who knew Christmas needed a Jew?

BERNIE

Okay, if you think I’m gonna join you in some dorky little diddy then you are absolutely… correct!

I’ve spent every Christmas eating chinese food alone.

“The dark house on the block”,

that’s what they used to call my home.

But with you I thinkI’ve finally got my shot.

Christmas neede a jew, who knew a jew needed Christmas?

 Okay, sorry, I don't have like a magical weed given song gift. I can’t like improvise rhymes on the fly. 

SANTA

Ho ho …. that’s alright!

I’ll bring all the jolly.

BERNIE

And I’ll bring all the oy!

BOTH

We fit together perfectly,

BERNIE

This Hebrew 

SANTA

and this goy!

SANTA

You lit up my yule-tide log and it’s -

BOTH

 - burning bright!

BERNIE

The sleigh is not the only thing that’s - 

BOTH

 - higher than a kite!

A holly jolly mitzvah, yes it’s true!

Who knew -

BERNIE

 - Christmas 

SANTA

Christmas 

REINDEER

Christmas 

BOTH

 - needed a you?